if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
