I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
