i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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