I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
