Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize