I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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