is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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