I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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