I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
