happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
