I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
