Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
