When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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