I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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