I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
