i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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