I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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