Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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