Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
