There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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