Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
