omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
