I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
