I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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