FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
