I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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