He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize