I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
