Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
