dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize