My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
