it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
