I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
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