You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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