Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
