So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
