Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
