community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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