I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
