My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
