he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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