Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize