i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
