So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
