I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
