why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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