hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
