theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
