I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
