your room smells of hookers.
And success
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
me + whiskey = a bad person
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
