I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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