If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I want to fling myself into the sun
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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