Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
