I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
