just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize