Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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