Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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