I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
