i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
