Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
