My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
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