haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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