I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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