I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
