So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
