I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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