You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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