Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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